So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
