If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Randomize