I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
