I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
