You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
