I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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