It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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