were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Randomize
