Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
