____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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