Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Randomize
