First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
