At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
MIDGETS
????
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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