someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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