ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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