My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Randomize
