I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize