I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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