Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
