So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Text me some of your sweat
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
