The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
