Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
