You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
