I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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