he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Randomize
