Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
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