just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
