If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Randomize
