Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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