Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
