Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
