I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
