I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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