My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
