Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
