You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
