If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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