I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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