I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
