hotel room ftw
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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