Can i not drive my cunt home
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
