whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize