I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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