just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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