you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
they need to just BURY HIM!
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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