those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
