I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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