where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
