WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
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