1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
