I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
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