i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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