the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
