Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
