gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
