I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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