Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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