he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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