We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
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