i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
