If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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