a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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