Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
