seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
