if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Randomize
