dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
