went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
