Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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