you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
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