I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
